So I was lying in bed tossing and turning unable to fall asleep when I decided that I would get up and sit in the Family room for a bit till I got a little more sleepy when I realized that it was 7 years ago to the moment almost that my father passed away. It was a Tuesday evening turning into a Wednesday morning that it happened.
I had just gotten into bed after a long crazy day of running all over the place when my phone rang. It was about midnight so I knew it was a little odd. It was my sister Kristy calling to tell me that dad was in the hospital. She didn't know details but didn't think it was too serious but if I was to drive out to Phoenix from Mesa to not drive alone. I hung up the phone not thinking much of it because my dad had had some heart problems in the past and we figured this was somehow linked, but as I went into the kitchen of my apartment that i shared with my two roommates to tell them what was going on I suddenly felt the urge to drive out and see him. My roommate who was one of my closest friends in the world immediately volunteered and said lets go. When we got closer to the hospital i received another phone call from kristy saying that it was much more serious then anyone had thought and he had suffered from a brain aneurism and was in an ac-coma and we didn't know what was going to happen. That was the longest night of all our lives! I remember having to go to the bathroom like every 15 minutes, i guess my body was in such shock it didn't know how to react. The doctor's would come in and out of the waiting room that was filled with all the family and give us updates on what was going on but i couldn't remember a word of what they were saying. I remember seeing my mom and seeing the fear in her eyes. She had no clue what to do and would constantly look at all her children in hopes that we would have the answers. I sat and watched my grandparents sobbing in each-other's arms. It's something you never thought you would see, those who are supposed to be the strong ones completely helpless. Before too long the hallways were packed with ward members, family and close friends. I remember being so strong with the spirit for some reason, just knowing everything was going to be ok. My grandpa gave my dad a blessing and said that he would get up and walk again in the blessing, maybe that gave me some false hope? It was happening so fast and yet felt like an eternity at the same time.
His condition wasn't improving enough for the doctor's to take him into surgery and he was almost completely brain dead by morning. Even if he came out of it his quality of life would have been so poor that we all came to the decision that we would turn the machines off. They had all of us come back into the room to see him one last time and say our goodbye's. This was one of the hardest moments in my life, cause right after we had a moment with him and we all were walking out of the room for them to take all the tubes out and turn everything off, Kristy stopped me in the hallway and looked me in the eye's and said "We can't do this, what if he is going to wake up and be fine? We can't give up like this." That killed me. I knew it was the right decision, that heavenly father was calling him up to move on to the next step in this life, but Kristy didn't feel that way. It was so hard to understand why I was feeling this calming influence of the savior and not my siblings. Katrina had been at girls camp and so Kristy and a close friend of the family had to leave to go and pick her up while all of this was going on. It hit Katrina the worst! She had such a hard time dealing with the lose it was so hard to see her struggle with it.
But back to the hospital room. They let us all come back in to be there for his last few breaths. I remember mom, kristy and katrina sitting on the floor against the wall holding each-other while they were crying, johnny and jimmy were up at his head brushing his hair back while reassuring him it was ok to let go. Telling him that we would all be ok without him and that he had a higher calling on above. I sat holding his feet at the foot of the bed. They were so cold from the hospital room, i remember thinking how uncomfortable he must have been with his feet freezing like that. He had such distinct feet, and wether i like it or not i have very similar toes. I just remember listening to him taking such deep breaths on his own and then letting them out very slowly. It would sometimes take him what felt like a few minutes before we would hear him gasp for air again. We would think that he was gone, that his spirit had finally given up and then there he would go, breaking each of our hearts each time he took that breath. Luckily this didn't go on for very long. I hear in some cases people go on living for days after they are taken off the machines. He passed about 20 minutes or so after. Finally allowing us all to let go.
The days after all meshed together. I remember not wanting to be alone. I had both of my roommates come out and sleep with me in my old bedroom at my mom and dad's house. I just felt so empty and a little scared. I seriously was like a little kid again wanting to sleep in my parents bed after a bad dream.
It was all so weird and unreal. I truly still don't know that i have ever fully realized that he is gone. Any time that i start to think of him i just stop myself and tell myself that i will see him again. So i try to avoid the sadness. I don't think this is the correct way to mourn the death of someone that close to you but it is all i know. I just avoid the sorrow but ignoring it. I avoid thinking about it. That's probably why while i've been typing about this i have been bauling my eye's out.
anyway, wow that was deep for my blog. I never blog about anything serious but i needed to get it all out and typing about it somehow helps.
So 7 years, I miss him! He was such a great man. My hero! He really made everything in life so much better. He was so fun to be around, always making you laugh by doing something stupid. He was always singing some old song around the house, and sometimes he would even act like elvis was in him and do his impersonations. He had such a love for the gospel and wanted nothing more then for all of us to be happy. He spent his life trying to please everyone around him and trying to make life more enjoyable. He was the biggest kid at heart and i miss that. You could always be goofy around him and you would just fit right in. He loved to laugh but had such a sweet understanding side to him also. You could talk to him about anything! He never judged you and always had such great advice. I miss being able to go to him for help with all the questions i have in life and in love. Tyler never knew him and that's what hurts the most. I wish more then anything that Tyler could have known what a great dad i had so he would better realize how hard it is for me not to have him here.
I wish all my in-laws would have gotten a chance to meet him, cause he's the kind-off person people talk about while sitting around the dinner table telling funny stories about things that had happened in the past. He was always at the beginning of all those kinds of stories.
I often dream about how cool it will be in the after life to introduce Tyler to him. What a great moment to look forward to. I want to be able to show my dad what an amazing husband i have and tell about all the great things we've done together. I know he will be so proud. He'll be so proud that i married a return missionary with such great values and such a strong testimony and love for the gospel. With such willingness to serve the lord. I want him to meet my father-in-law and see what a great man he is. I thing they would have been good friends, they have so much in common.
Wow, I should really get some sleep but i have so much to say. Sorry if it's too long for some of you. If it was me reading I'm sure i would have just skipped over all this and looked for the pictures instead. Anyway, i apologize for not proof reading this and not correcting any mistakes in my punctuation, but I'm too tired and unfortunately i type how i talk. So it's probably a little hard to follow, what with the run on sentences and all. But thanks for listening. In conclusion, it's been 7 years but it still feels like it was yesterday. My dad rocks! Can't wait to see him again!